Sometimes,
most people say that my heart is cold, so hard, stiff as a steel rod. I like to
spend my time alone. When I’m left at home, I do my work but I prefer to be
kept inside my room. I have friends, but not many friends actually understand
me as I tried to understand them. People ask what I am doing tomorrow night. I
gave excuse so that I can just be by myself. I don’t want to be unseen but I
don’t really want people to see where I actually stand, what I’m doing with my
life. Weather I'm still standing strong or falling apart, let me be hidden
behind the shadow that nobody would know. I still smile people that I met along
the way in my life. Greeting people that I met, I'm never afraid to say Hello
but somehow, surprisingly, I met you along my way to move ahead.
At first, I admit that I was afraid of you. The way you approached me, for the first time, it frightens me somehow. It made me think of who you are, but it was only my assumption of a person that I don’t even know about. I should run away if I was afraid but somehow, the curiosity of knowing who you really are made me want to get to know you until at the end, I’m bound to you. I wasn't sure what was the reason I’m interested in you; f who you are, where you’re really from. An identity that was made, I know for sure that it’s not who you really are.
As the time kept on passing by, skipping each second, each minute and day, we are getting much closer than it was before. You’re still not telling me who you are. I can only say that you’re still a mysterious man that I met in my life. You spent your time talking to me. We made each other smile, maybe never cry but who knows what our heart are saying when we never kiss and tell. Somehow, we made mistake in our life, we still stood right next to each other. We talk about our life, the problem that we had, we try to figure out at least a solution.
One day, I felt so lost. So lost it seemed like there's nothing else anymore that I should do apart from hiding myself from the problem that was there, instead of fighting against it. You asked me and asked me again what was wrong. I couldn’t tell you at first but at the end, I told you my problem and the decision that I decided to make. I thought that you'd agree with me with my decision, but instead you got angry at me for thinking of such foolish thing to do. You scolded me, why should I hide myself from my own existence when I should just avoid the trouble, another man that was disturbing me, wanting to be with me, but he belong to somebody else I know. You said that what I wanted to do is wrong.
I know that I never listen to anybody else apart from myself, but I listened to what he had said to me and I'm still living a happy life. You gave me strength to fight for what’s right. You made me believe in myself even though my anxieties are fighting against myself.
It was today as years had passed by in between our life. I’m still here with another story to create, living my regular days like it always have been. I waited for you but sometimes you’re never there. You lived your daily life, as busy like you always have been. I'm always happy when you got a promotion, a job as who you really are. I know that you only have a little bit time, only a few hours for you to take a rest as you return back home so late at night. You don't really have enough sleep but you still tell me that you're doing alright if you have time to be right next to me, right by my side. I couldn't see you for quite some time. Sometimes, even though it's such a long time, I'd still have to smile, praying, hoping for the best thing in your life. I still want to hear the softness of your voice talking to me, your breathing as you were in a deep sleep, your gaze that you gave to me, with a song that you sing, telling me that you love me. I am not denying it, but it meant so much to me even though you might think that it’s just nothing. You did something to make me smile. I thanked you for being there in my life.
Even until it is today, I still would never admit my lost. I always want to be a winner in my life, but I know so deep in my heart, you're the man that I truly love and I’ve been missing you so much in my life. Maybe sometimes I think that destiny could just be another thing that happened in life, but my destiny being with you, it meant so much in my life even though I'd never know what tomorrow will happen.
Still In A Denial,
Scarlet Matsumoto 2018.
At first, I admit that I was afraid of you. The way you approached me, for the first time, it frightens me somehow. It made me think of who you are, but it was only my assumption of a person that I don’t even know about. I should run away if I was afraid but somehow, the curiosity of knowing who you really are made me want to get to know you until at the end, I’m bound to you. I wasn't sure what was the reason I’m interested in you; f who you are, where you’re really from. An identity that was made, I know for sure that it’s not who you really are.
As the time kept on passing by, skipping each second, each minute and day, we are getting much closer than it was before. You’re still not telling me who you are. I can only say that you’re still a mysterious man that I met in my life. You spent your time talking to me. We made each other smile, maybe never cry but who knows what our heart are saying when we never kiss and tell. Somehow, we made mistake in our life, we still stood right next to each other. We talk about our life, the problem that we had, we try to figure out at least a solution.
One day, I felt so lost. So lost it seemed like there's nothing else anymore that I should do apart from hiding myself from the problem that was there, instead of fighting against it. You asked me and asked me again what was wrong. I couldn’t tell you at first but at the end, I told you my problem and the decision that I decided to make. I thought that you'd agree with me with my decision, but instead you got angry at me for thinking of such foolish thing to do. You scolded me, why should I hide myself from my own existence when I should just avoid the trouble, another man that was disturbing me, wanting to be with me, but he belong to somebody else I know. You said that what I wanted to do is wrong.
I know that I never listen to anybody else apart from myself, but I listened to what he had said to me and I'm still living a happy life. You gave me strength to fight for what’s right. You made me believe in myself even though my anxieties are fighting against myself.
It was today as years had passed by in between our life. I’m still here with another story to create, living my regular days like it always have been. I waited for you but sometimes you’re never there. You lived your daily life, as busy like you always have been. I'm always happy when you got a promotion, a job as who you really are. I know that you only have a little bit time, only a few hours for you to take a rest as you return back home so late at night. You don't really have enough sleep but you still tell me that you're doing alright if you have time to be right next to me, right by my side. I couldn't see you for quite some time. Sometimes, even though it's such a long time, I'd still have to smile, praying, hoping for the best thing in your life. I still want to hear the softness of your voice talking to me, your breathing as you were in a deep sleep, your gaze that you gave to me, with a song that you sing, telling me that you love me. I am not denying it, but it meant so much to me even though you might think that it’s just nothing. You did something to make me smile. I thanked you for being there in my life.
Even until it is today, I still would never admit my lost. I always want to be a winner in my life, but I know so deep in my heart, you're the man that I truly love and I’ve been missing you so much in my life. Maybe sometimes I think that destiny could just be another thing that happened in life, but my destiny being with you, it meant so much in my life even though I'd never know what tomorrow will happen.
Still In A Denial,
Scarlet Matsumoto 2018.
